FATHERS DAY--IRISH STYLEAn old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" |
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British
soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden,
without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time." |
ANOTHER BLONDE ONEA blonde walked into a library and said, "I would like to order a cheeseburger and a chocolate milkshake, please." |
The librarian replied, "Ma'am, this is a library."
The blond replied in a much subdued tone, "Oh, I'm sorry." Then, in almost a whisper, "I'd like to order a cheeseburger and a chocolate milkshake." |
THE POWER OF PUNCTUATIONAn English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. |
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." |
PUPPIESA client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. |
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too." |
BURNETTE JOKEA brunette (give the blondes a break!) called a repairman and had him replace her windows. Some time went by, and no payment was forthcoming for the windows. Finally, quite some time later, he called her to try to collect for his work. |
"Oh," she replied, "haven't you been paid for those windows yet?"
"Why, no. I haven't received a thing," he said. "Well, when I bought them you said they would pay for themselves in a year!" |
SORRY, GUYSOne day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river." |
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God,give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence ... to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. |
A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 40
A computer was something on TV
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
An application was for employment.
Memory was something that you lost with age. |
Compress was something you did to the garbage, Not something you did to a file, And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper, |