How to handle a speeding ticket !A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: |
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too! |
K-9It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. |
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" |
| While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. | One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" |
GRAVESIDE SERVICESWhile walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. |
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said.
"Glory be unto the Faaaather...and unto the Sonnnn...and into the hole you goooo." |
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN". 6. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 7. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors". 8. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 9. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with prophecy." 10. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 11. Don't use any puncuation. 12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. |
13. Ask people what sex they are and laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 15. Sing along at the opera. 16. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 17. Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in stall #3". 18. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 19. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you are not in the mood. 20. Call the psycho hot line and don't say anything. 21. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. 22. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won! Third time this week!" 23. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 24. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do." 25. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." 26. Everytime you see a broom, yell "Honey! your mother is here!" |