Humor - 7

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HUMOR - 7

Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances -- order all three."

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.

Never try to baptize a cat.

Backwoods Birth

Deep in the backwoods, a woman went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Snow alert in Minnesota

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report coming over from WCCO on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared" the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee to move his car.

The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 5 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of the instructions. He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"

And Lena replies "Aw, Ole, why don't you just leave the car in the garage today?"

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

And the number one best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1. " ... in Jesus' name, Amen."

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