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A Different Blonde Joke
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. |
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" |
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Learn to Speak Chinese in Three Minutes
English: He's cleaning his automobile
English: This is a tow away zone
English: Is there a fugitive here?
English: Small Horse
English: Your price is too high!!
English: Did you go to the beach?
English: I bumped into a coffee table
English: It's very dark in here |
English: Has your flight been delayed? Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?
English: I thought you were on a diet?
English: They have arrived
English: Your body odor is offensive
English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
English: I got this for free
English: Stay out of sight |
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New Irish Army
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy, down in County Kildare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments' calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the park - that makes 8!" Saddam sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." |
Once more Saddam sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that
I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored
personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a
half million since we last spoke."
"Begorra!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified out Ted's ultra light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam is silent for a minute, then sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million." "Faith and begorra!" says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we've all had a chat and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners." |
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A Trip to the Vet
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man, "how can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark". |
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat. The cat
also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his
head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..." |