|
Actual Newpaper Headlines
|
|
|
Japan Sends Viagra Have you heard that Japan is shipping the United States 50,000,000 cases of Viagra? They heard that the entire country can't get an election. |
|
From Florida... Dear Nation, Sincere apologies to all. We have our abacus' out and we are starting over and we swear we will get it right this time. Sincerely, The Citizens of State of Florida |
|
E-Mail Error
It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. |
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note
was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she
took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the
floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, |
|
Bear Story
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear; right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. |
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped... The
bear froze...The forest was silent...Even the river stopped moving. As a
bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my
existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "it would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" Very well," said the voice. The light went out...The river ran again...And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful." |
|
Flying Blind
A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" |
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his
legs"
Picture this........ All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they were trying to change airlines! Have a great day and remember, things aren't always as they appear! |
Some Things that it Took Me 50 Years to Learn, by Dave Berry
|
|
Q: How many Floridians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four! No, Two! No...um...wait. Can I let you know in a couple weeks? |
|
Blonde Joke
A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of the river. The brunette calls to her blonde friend on the other side, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?" The blonde calls back, "Silly, you're already on the other side of the river." |