|
The day finally arrives; Forrest Gump dies, and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed so Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it certainly is good to see you. We have heard so much about you. I have to tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast. We have had to start administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it, before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me, about any entrance exam. I shor hope that the test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test, as it was." St. Peter continues to say, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there, in a year? And Third: What is God's first name? Now go and think about the questions. Come back tomorrow and tell me your answers. Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day. As he arrives, St. Peter said, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest replies, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide, and he says, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point. I guess, that |
question was not too specific, so I will give you credit, for that answer. Now, tell me your answer to the next question?"
"How many seconds are in a year? Now that one is harder," replies Forrest, "but I thunk, and thunk, about that, and I guess the only answer, can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name, could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest replies, "Shucks, there is got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..!" "Hold on now," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and again I see your point, although that was not quite what I had in mind. I guess that I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on, with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure", Forrest replies, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaims an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand, how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy, as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replies. "I learnt it from the song 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN" St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates, looks at Forrest and yells: "Run Forrest, run." |
|
In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Crispy Cr?. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles." And so they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them. |
needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery. |
| The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system. | Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I think I have five friends, but I’m not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway .....it never hurts to be safe. |
|
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." |
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, She's dead. " A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."; "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want God is watching the apples." |
|
1975: Long hair 2005: Longing for hair
1975: The perfect high
1975: KEG
1975: Acid rock
1975: Moving to California because it's cool
1975: Growing pot
1975: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
1975: Killer weed
1975: Hoping for a BMW |
1975: The Grateful Dead 2005: Dr. Kevorkian
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
1975: Being called into the principal's office
1975: Screw the system
1975: Disco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
1975: Passing the drivers' test
1975: Whatever |
|
Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
- Ronald Reagan
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the
government and I'm here to help."
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's
just that they know so much that isn't so."
"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too
strong."
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked
like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but
doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one
end and no sense of responsibility at the other." |
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation
gone under." - Ronald Reagan
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a
government program."
"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that
happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a
Cabinet meeting."
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have
learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops
moving, subsidize it."
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if
you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as
the will and moral courage of free men and women." |
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,
"You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next generation??"
|
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her faithful pet poodle along for company.
One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on them with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and a look of terror comes over him as he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me." |
Meanwhile, a monkey watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get within earshot the poodle says... "Where's that darn monkey?! I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" |