A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.

I'M STILL HOT. IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.

AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.

MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.

LIFE IS SHORT. . MAKE FUN OF IT.

I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.

ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILING PROBLEM.

I NEED SOMEBODY BAD. ARE YOU BAD?

PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!

BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR.

EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.

KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK.

WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.

DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.

MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.

EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE" I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE.

CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.

LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.

IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH.

I am in shape.
Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer,
but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
professionals built the Titanic.
Amatuers build the ark.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly,
and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating -
always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody asks the questions.

Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.