THE TRAFFIC TICKETA farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." |
So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're
called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though." |
INSTRUCTIONSOn a Sear's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." |
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." |
WHY? Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 out of 5 enjoys it? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? |
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .. they're cramming for their final exam. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? Why isn't there "irregular" gasoline? |