KIDS IN CHURCH

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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. Then put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

When asked what he was doing, the child said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

"Mama, look," the boy called out with astonishment in his voice, "I think I found Adam's suit."

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Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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A ten-year old was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

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THAT'S PROGRESS!

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral: ..........................

WOMEN'S BUMPTER STICKERS

So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.

God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends.

If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.

My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.

Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.

Coffee, Chocolate, Men. . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich.

Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen.

If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.

Dinner Is Ready When The Smoke Alarm Goes Off.

I'm Out Of Estrogen-and I Have A Gun.

Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like...who Cares?

And Your Point Is...?

Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.

Of Course I Don't Look Busy...i Did It Right The First Time.

Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.

You Have The Right To Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up.

All Stressed Out And No One To Choke.

I'm One Of Those Bad Things That Happen To Good People.

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not.

If We Are What We Eat, I'm Fast, Cheap And Easy.

OH MOMMA!

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful? So romantic..."

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook......"