LAWYERSThese are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth? Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? |
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. |
EURO-ENGLISHThe European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter. |
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru. |
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations..."Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.""His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity" "I would not allow this employee to breed" "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be" "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap" "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet" "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle" "This young lady has delusions of adequacy" "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them" "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot" "This employee should go far, and the sooner the better" "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together" "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus" "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless" "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier" "I would like to go hunting with him sometime" |
"He's been working with glue too much" "He would argue with a signpost" "He has knack for making strangers immediately" "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room" "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell" "If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one" "A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens" "A prime candidate for natural deselection" "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it" "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming" "Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it" "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week" "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change" "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean" "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm" "One neuron short of a synapse" "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled" "Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes" "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead" |